It's been awhile since our last post and really it has become more of Kevin's blog then "our" blog. Haha, don't get me wrong I loved his posts and I was truly challenged by everything he said but now it's time to get back to what's happening NOW.
Tomorrow I will be 21 weeks pregnant and we are so excited to welcome a baby BOY into our lives in April. We just decorated our house for Christmas and it looks quite festive I think! Ever since we found out that we were expecting a boy (name a secret!) life seems to be full of cheer and love. Every so often throughout the week we hit moments of "reality" where we realize we've never been parents before! "WHAT WILL WE DO!" but then the panic subsides through much laughter and big hugs knowing that we will work it out as a team.
We are looking forward to flying East to Massachusetts for Christmas this year to be with family & friends. It will be a great time having more time to be Korban's Aunt & Uncle and also to show off my belly and have our baby get lots of love too!
Well you've seen some pictures of our baby boy and me at 20 weeks above, now here is a video of our home all decorated! (made with our new "Flip" -thanks mom&dad!)
Yesterday I talked about perseverance and self-worth. Today, as I challenged myself to find more worth in myself I realized what a tough balancing act it is.
On one hand, I have to know God thinks I'm worth His first (and only) Son and that He wants the best for me. I have to believe, He created me to accomplish great things. I know, at the very least, I need to give credit to God for putting me together in my mother's womb. I should not become prideful in my abilities, but God strength in my weakness.
On the other hand, I know I can be strong. I know I have to put in some hard labor and mental toughness to become great. I know for a lot of life, you get out what you put into it.
So how do I define greatness - if that's what I'm working for? Does my definition come from the world's perspective, Christ's perspective, or a mix of both?
Check this out:
Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him.
"What is it you want?" he asked.
She said, "Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom."
"You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said to them. "Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?"
"We can," they answered.
Jesus said to them, "You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father."
When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
- Matthew 20:20-27
Two Important Thoughts:
1) "Can you drink the cup, I'm going to drink," Jesus asked. You know you're on your way to greatness when you are asking God, "If it's your will, can you take this cup from me?" - you're working so hard that you need to ask God if there's any other way to make this happen.
2) "Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must become your servant..." Christ's view of greatness is a bit different than the world's. What does it mean to be a servant? How can a servant gain worldly success? Or am I striving for worldly success? Should that even be part of my goal? I'm not sure yet.
This week, I've really want to not run. I woke this morning with the same attitude, maybe more so than previous mornings. "Why am I doing this?" I asked myself. "Why don't I want to run? Is it because I made that has-to-be-under-8-minute-mile-pace expectation?" As I was trying to wake up, these questions went through my head over and over and over again.
Finally, I got the guts to grab my watch and headphones and head out the door to start running. I was going for a sub 8 minute mile pace on my typical 3.5 mile loop. As I started, the questions didn't stop, "What am I running for?"
I ran halfway and then started walking. "What am I running for?" I asked again, determined to find an answer. I was giving myself a really hard time for walking, so I started again, trying to keep a good pace. And then I stopped and walked again. Angry with myself for quitting I wanted to walk the rest of the way home, but no.
I started picking out points of where I was going to start running (jogging really) and a point for how far I was going to run (usually about a half of a block most times). I kept reminding myself of the important fact:
It's not about how many times you stop/quit/fall, it's about how many times you start/begin again/get up.
WORTH:
Still, the unanswered question kept inquiring, "What are you running for?" As I've said before, at times I run for Kate; at times for God. This morning, I decided I would run for my kids, but I wasn't going to run for me.
I wasn't going to run for me.
I wasn't going to run... for me.
Why would I run for everyone else and not for myself? And I realized. I don't feel like I deserve success. I don't feel like I deserve to have wealth, be great, or become well-known. I deserve to stay mediocre, known by a select few. Maybe I deserve to be known within the reach of this blog, but not much further than that.
That's how I feel - I feel I don't deserve success. As I child of God, I feel like I have been given a gift of provision (I know God will not let me be beaten beyond repair. He will provide for my needs). But do I deserve the blessings of being His child. Am I saved by my works? Or am I saved by His love for me? Does He really love me enough that He would die for me?? Really?
I started leading Life Groups yesterday which is a small group for youth. I have about seven, 7th and 8th graders in my group. I realized I have not been giving much lately to anyone other than Kate and so it felt really good to start mentoring these Junior Highers.
This morning's run was good - 4.8 miles in 37:57 which is just under 8 minute mile pace (about 7:55). My breathing is so much better than when I started - my lungs have grown a lot. Anything under 8 minute mile pace, your legs don't like you too much, but they're getting used to the feeling of hard work.
I don't have anything super deep to talk about today. So in other news, Kate and I are looking for a small house to rent here in Springfield, MO. Kate's been working on her photography, which I'm really excited about. She just took photos of my brother Scott, and they came out really well.
I have used God's grace as an excuse for laziness.
I've lost my perspective of what God's role in my life was.
I grew up thinking God's role in my life was to coddle me through life's "hardships" and take away all pain. He is very capable of healing (I've seen it and felt it - emotion and physical healing). But to be the person He made me to become takes hard work. And I will go through pain striving for it.
But no. God's role is not to spoil me. His role is to equip me with the resources, abilities, motivation and purpose to become who He created me to become. And yes, to love me when I fall - God's very good at that.
I've committed to not run slower than 8 minute mile pace. This morning I ran 3.7 miles in 27:09. That's about 7:20 pace. God is good.
