17 Days Remaining: Round 2

Yesterday I talked about perseverance and self-worth. Today, as I challenged myself to find more worth in myself I realized what a tough balancing act it is.

On one hand, I have to know God thinks I'm worth His first (and only) Son and that He wants the best for me. I have to believe, He created me to accomplish great things. I know, at the very least, I need to give credit to God for putting me together in my mother's womb. I should not become prideful in my abilities, but God strength in my weakness.

On the other hand, I know I can be strong. I know I have to put in some hard labor and mental toughness to become great. I know for a lot of life, you get out what you put into it.

So how do I define greatness - if that's what I'm working for? Does my definition come from the world's perspective, Christ's perspective, or a mix of both?

Check this out:

Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him.

"What is it you want?" he asked.

She said, "Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom."

"You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said to them. "Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?"

"We can," they answered.

Jesus said to them, "You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father."

When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

- Matthew 20:20-27

18 Days Remaining: Round 2

PERSEVERANCE:

This week, I've really want to not run. I woke this morning with the same attitude, maybe more so than previous mornings. "Why am I doing this?" I asked myself. "Why don't I want to run? Is it because I made that has-to-be-under-8-minute-mile-pace expectation?" As I was trying to wake up, these questions went through my head over and over and over again.

Finally, I got the guts to grab my watch and headphones and head out the door to start running. I was going for a sub 8 minute mile pace on my typical 3.5 mile loop. As I started, the questions didn't stop, "What am I running for?"

I ran halfway and then started walking. "What am I running for?" I asked again, determined to find an answer. I was giving myself a really hard time for walking, so I started again, trying to keep a good pace. And then I stopped and walked again.  Angry with myself for quitting I wanted to walk the rest of the way home, but no.

I started picking out points of where I was going to start running (jogging really) and a point for how far I was going to run (usually about a half of a block most times). I kept reminding myself of the important fact:


It's not about how many times you stop/quit/fall, it's about how many times you start/begin again/get up.


WORTH:

Still, the unanswered question kept inquiring, "What are you running for?" As I've said before, at times I run for Kate; at times for God. This morning, I decided I would run for my kids, but I wasn't going to run for me. 

I wasn't going to run for me. 

I wasn't going to run... for me.

Why would I run for everyone else and not for myself? And I realized. I don't feel like I deserve success. I don't feel like I deserve to have wealth, be great, or become well-known. I deserve to stay mediocre, known by a select few. Maybe I deserve to be known within the reach of this blog, but not much further than that.

That's how I feel - I feel I don't deserve success. As I child of God, I feel like I have been given a gift of provision (I know God will not let me be beaten beyond repair. He will provide for my needs). But do I deserve the blessings of being His child. Am I saved by my works? Or am I saved by His love for me? Does He really love me enough that He would die for me?? Really? 

Yes, He loves us. 

21 Days Remaining: Round 2

I started leading Life Groups yesterday which is a small group for youth.  I have about seven, 7th and 8th graders in my group. I realized I have not been giving much lately to anyone other than Kate and so it felt really good to start mentoring these Junior Highers.

This morning's run was good - 4.8 miles in 37:57 which is just under 8 minute mile pace (about 7:55). My breathing is so much better than when I started - my lungs have grown a lot. Anything under 8 minute mile pace, your legs don't like you too much, but they're getting used to the feeling of hard work.

I don't have anything super deep to talk about today. So in other news, Kate and I are looking for a small house to rent here in Springfield, MO. Kate's been working on her photography, which I'm really excited about. She just took photos of my brother Scott, and they came out really well.

That's all I got for today - see ya tomorrow.

23 Days Remaining

This morning I realized:

• I have used God's grace as an excuse for laziness. 

• I've lost my perspective of what God's role in my life was. 

• I grew up thinking God's role in my life was to coddle me through life's "hardships" and take away all pain. He is very capable of healing (I've seen it and felt it - emotion and physical healing). But to be the person He made me to become takes hard work. And I will go through pain striving for it.

• But no. God's role is not to spoil me.  His role is to equip me with the resources, abilities, motivation and purpose to become who He created me to become. And yes, to love me when I fall - God's very good at that.

I've committed to not run slower than 8 minute mile pace. This morning I ran 3.7 miles in 27:09. That's about 7:20 pace.  God is good.

24 Days Remaining: Round 2

I got up this morning and decided I want to run four miles. So I got on google maps and charted my course (as seen below). Just before I started running, I decided if I'm serious about running faster, I need to stop allowing myself to run slower than 8 minute mile pace. So that was my goal this morning - run 4 miles in under 32 minutes. I also decided not to look at my watch the whole run. I knew what a "faster than 8 minute mile" pace felt like, so I just had to keep that pace.

Looking at my watch to check my pace hardly ever helps me. If I'm faster than pace, I'll think, "Oooh, I'm ok. I can even slow down if I want or need to..." If I'm slower than pace, I'll think, "Ah. Dang, now I have to run faster to make my goal... meh, I don't think I can do it. I'm too far behind already."

When I focus on checking my pace all the time, I measure myself by what I've done so far. When I stop worrying about all the pace checking, I start measuring myself by what I'm going to do (run four miles in under 32 minutes).

Which made me realize: You are who you become.


You aren't who you are right now. You aren't who you want to become. You are who you become. 

My time: 29 minutes. Thank you God. But without mitigating my accomplishment today, I need to wake tomorrow willing to grow more. Especially in fitness, if you're not growing, you're decaying.



View Larger Map

25 Days Remaining: Round 2

I wanted to run without music this morning.  Music really helps motivate me, but I wanted to battle my mind alone.  And it was a battle. I ran a mile to warm up and challenged myself for a fast run - 2.4 miles hard. I wanted to battle my mind because I knew it would try to convince me out of running fast.

I have let my mind win this battle many times before.  The first half of the run, it won - 1.2 miles in 9:21.  On the way back I realized something huge.


How many times do we settle for less than greatness? 


And how many times do we let our mind creatively figure out a way to justify our lack of effort? 


Passing the halfway point, I wanted to kick that 9:21's butt and run faster the second half of the run. Gah! This is when my body started complaining too! My thighs were heavy, my lungs were tired, my feet were weak. Then I realized the second huge point.

Does your whole body know what greatness feels like - or just your mind?


I realized my body does not know what it feels like to be a great runner yet. My lungs, legs, and feet cannot say, "We've experienced the pain of growth and are we know what greatness feels like." And I kept asking myself that question: Do my legs know what greatness feels like yet? Do my feet know? Are my lungs familiar with the breaths of the last stages of a three mile sprint? No... not yet.

Most importantly - ask yourself this - Does your heart know what greatness feels like?  Because I bet if you look deep enough, you can answer that question - our hearts know greatness when we see it or experience it. But the bigger question is this: Are you going to let your heart know what greatness feels like?


Letting myself feel greatness - and believe I can reach my full potential - is one thing I've definitely sacrificed. In fact, I have surrendered many things to God before - my worries, my stresses.  But I know in surrendering worry and pain (meaning, letting God shoulder them so I don't have to) I've in turn surrendered my full potential.

Will God help you become the great man or woman He created you to be? Without question - He's always standing there when you're willing to call out for Him.

Will God hoist you up on a soft, cushioned chair and carry you to greatness? Maybe not so much.

So don't give up until your body, soul, and mind know greatness - then strive to become even greater. 


Oh, and I DID kick that 9:21's butt - by a full minute.

Still Running

Well, I'm sorry I didn't post earlier about my final run last Friday.  The week of the run, I was a mess - I was so stressed and busy and honestly, I stopped posting because I wanted to take the lime light off me a little before I ran just in case I failed.

So, I didn't make the time. In fact, I'm pretty sure I ran one lap short of 3 miles. So it is what it is - failure, defeat, falling short, not meeting expectations - however you want to call it. But forget that. Put those words away because I was not a failure in the most important sense: I fell short, but I'm getting up.


I learned this past month how much I'm afraid of failure. It paralyzes me. I chose mediocrity and laziness because I was afraid of letting others down - afraid of them seeing me fail.

Letting fear control my actions, I sacrificed my full potential. Imagine who you would be if you actually did what you deeply desired to do! 


Deep down, I feel everyone can find who they truly want to be. What's holding you back from being that person?


IMPORTANT THOUGHTS:
1. So I look at failure in a different way now.  Failure (or whatever form "failure" takes for you) is simply a God-given insight to an area in your life where you can grow. Learning you have room to grow is not bad. It's not saying you're not good enough. It's saying, you can be more!

What a gift, to discover an area in your life where you can grow more to become the person of God you deeply desire to be!

2. Mentally, on my run this morning (2.85 miles in 21:24), I changed my normal focus, from making it to the finish line, to making the next couple of steps.  I was encouraged every three steps that I kept the pace of three steps back.  When I used to think of the entire journey, I would sometimes realize I had "too far" to go and "I can't make it".  I can make it three steps - so keep taking steps!!

3. I hardly ever fulfilled "commitments" to myself before. Because, ultimately, what was the purpose? My purpose to commit before was this: "I'm supposed to commit to this, right? This is what everyone expects me to commit to, right?" See if you recognize some of these "commitments":

• I commit to running more
• I commit to read my Bible more
• I commit to praying more
• I commit to calling my friends more

I was trying to commit these because it was what "I was supposed to do" - or what I chose to hear from society. And anytime I wrote one of these commitments down and taped it to my mirror, it was a burden, a weight, more "work", less time, less energy, less money. But I've changed my purpose in commitments.

My purpose behind commitments now is this: I know this commitment will help me become the person I want to be.  And now a list of 50 commitments does not make me feel tired and depressed - just the opposite in fact! It makes me excited that I am on my way to becoming the person I deeply desire to be!

7 Days Remaining

It's crazy to think, in just one week I'll be bustin' my butt to make 3 miles in 18 minutes. I feel so short of that goal - and maybe I am - but I'm going to do my very best.

This morning the Missouri State University track had all the football stuff out, ready to go, including the inflatable run-through tunnel laid out across the track.  So I changed my running plan to 2 miles worth of 1/2 laps at sub 6 minute mile pace (42 seconds) with a 30 second break between each.  With a good rest between each I was able to make it pretty soundly.

So through this journey, I've realized how much better the book of Psalms is when you're going through struggles or challenges in life. Here's a part of what I read this morning. It really encouraged me to again put my hope in God, not myself and not others or other things. And I love the prayer on the last two lines.

"The best-equipped army cannot save a king,

nor is great strength enough to save a warrior.

Don’t count on your warhorse to give you victory—

for all its strength, it cannot save you.

But the Lord watches over those who fear him,

those who rely on his unfailing love.

He rescues them from death

and keeps them alive in times of famine.

We put our hope in the Lord.

He is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,

for our hope is in you alone."

 - Psalm 30:16-22

8 Days Remaining

I didn't post last Tuesday, because I was ashamed.  It seems this commitment has locked itself deep within my being and the thought of not succeeding is gut-wrenching - literally - especially Tuesday morning.  I don't think I can fully express the pain of my run Tuesday.

I intended to run 3 miles in 21 minutes.  Half way, I was just off pace and slowing.  Literally screaming and grunting out loud (and I'm sure, making a fool of myself), my mind knew it was not going to convince my legs to move any faster.  Anger filled my heart - anger towards my mind, my legs, even anger towards God for "forsaking" me.

In my anger towards God, I was reminded of Job and David who kept their integrity and faith through their trials.  I realized how I can lose my integrity and faith sometimes in the midst great struggle, and how much I need forgiveness for losing faith.

Forgiving myself has always been hard because I've been so "well practiced" at doing good works - and I'm such a perfectionist that I subconsciously have a "saved by works" mentality. I realized Tuesday morning after my run, I knew a lot of the concept of Christ's sacrifice for my forgiveness, but I understood very little of His forgiveness in reality. I want to understand more.


Again, it's not the end of the world. I'm very thankful I can even run three miles. But breaking this small goal represented a lot more than one run.  It represented missing the goal next Friday.   And if I don't make the run next Friday, I have to forgive myself.  My lovely wife (I'm so thankful for her help and support on this journey) reminded me that being able to run 3 miles in 18 minutes doesn't define me, but striving for that goal whole-heartedly and doing my best to become a better man for myself, her, and others - that is what defines me.