I didn't post last Tuesday, because I was ashamed. It seems this commitment has locked itself deep within my being and the thought of not succeeding is gut-wrenching - literally - especially Tuesday morning. I don't think I can fully express the pain of my run Tuesday.
I intended to run 3 miles in 21 minutes. Half way, I was just off pace and slowing. Literally screaming and grunting out loud (and I'm sure, making a fool of myself), my mind knew it was not going to convince my legs to move any faster. Anger filled my heart - anger towards my mind, my legs, even anger towards God for "forsaking" me.
In my anger towards God, I was reminded of Job and David who kept their integrity and faith through their trials. I realized how I can lose my integrity and faith sometimes in the midst great struggle, and how much I need forgiveness for losing faith.
Forgiving myself has always been hard because I've been so "well practiced" at doing good works - and I'm such a perfectionist that I subconsciously have a "saved by works" mentality. I realized Tuesday morning after my run, I knew a lot of the concept of Christ's sacrifice for my forgiveness, but I understood very little of His forgiveness in reality. I want to understand more.
Again, it's not the end of the world. I'm very thankful I can even run three miles. But breaking this small goal represented a lot more than one run. It represented missing the goal next Friday. And if I don't make the run next Friday, I have to forgive myself. My lovely wife (I'm so thankful for her help and support on this journey) reminded me that being able to run 3 miles in 18 minutes doesn't define me, but striving for that goal whole-heartedly and doing my best to become a better man for myself, her, and others - that is what defines me.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Giving Up: 11 Days Remaining
Ever since the 6 minute mile a while back, I've been pretty confident in myself - keyword: myself. I lost sight of the real purpose in accomplishing this goal. And running for myself ran me into the ground. I can't do it myself - I have to give up. Give it all up to God.
It's all for the glory of God.
Now, some of us hear that phrase all the time, so what does it really mean? Here's my interpretation: I know apart from God, I am capable of so little. With God, I am capable of so much. And I cannot take credit for things I did not create - like my lungs, my heart, my legs. I cannot take credit for things I do - like walk, speak, run, love. God has given me these "gifts". And I am supposed to use His "gifts" to show others how awesome God is. I run to show off His Power. I brag in the strength and hope He gives me to finish strong - in every commitment, every run, every moment in life.
I can only take credit for making the decision to give God my life and choosing obey Him. Everything else I have to give up to God.
Last night, Kate really helped me refocus on God working in my life - giving each run, each day to Him - instead of my finite self taking on all this responsibility alone. And this morning was a great run. I started off strong, slowed around the half to three-quarter markers, and then God gave me the strength to bring it home strong.
"Even youths grow tired, and young men stumble and fall. But those who put their hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint." - Isaiah 40:30, 31
4.8 miles in 38 minutes - Thank you Lord for giving me the strength.
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It's all for the glory of God.
Now, some of us hear that phrase all the time, so what does it really mean? Here's my interpretation: I know apart from God, I am capable of so little. With God, I am capable of so much. And I cannot take credit for things I did not create - like my lungs, my heart, my legs. I cannot take credit for things I do - like walk, speak, run, love. God has given me these "gifts". And I am supposed to use His "gifts" to show others how awesome God is. I run to show off His Power. I brag in the strength and hope He gives me to finish strong - in every commitment, every run, every moment in life.
I can only take credit for making the decision to give God my life and choosing obey Him. Everything else I have to give up to God.
Last night, Kate really helped me refocus on God working in my life - giving each run, each day to Him - instead of my finite self taking on all this responsibility alone. And this morning was a great run. I started off strong, slowed around the half to three-quarter markers, and then God gave me the strength to bring it home strong.
"Even youths grow tired, and young men stumble and fall. But those who put their hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint." - Isaiah 40:30, 31
4.8 miles in 38 minutes - Thank you Lord for giving me the strength.
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Saturday, August 28, 2010
13 Days Remaining
I ran about 3.5 miles in about 33-34 minutes. My goal this morning was to run the whole thing without getting that side ache from not breathing deeply enough - and I was able to do that.
I just noticed yesterday (thanks to Kurt) what some of you have been posting comments this whole time. Haha. So I went back through my previous posts and read them all. They were very encouraging and I'm happy for you all to join in on this journey.
Today's thought has more to do with real life than my running life, but lately they've been blending more and more together (total side note: running has so many metaphors to real life, it's ridiculous). Things have gotten financially tight for Kate and I this month. (It's funny - you always start to pray harder when life gets harder.) But at the end of my run, as I was doing my cool down walk around the block, listening to some music on Kate's iPod, the song "You are Mine" by Mute Math came on.
Here's the lyrics:
Kate and I just talked about selling some of our "prized possessions" yesterday and about getting refocused on making a real effort to pay off our student loans. The conversation was a little stressful for me - Kate had her Dave Ramsey kick good and strong, and I was fighting it. But this song gave me a lot of peace this morning. I am His, I am God's child and these possessions don't matter. What matters most is that I am His possession.
So, Why this Ridiculous Goal?
Some of you probably don't know why I'm even trying to make this ridiculous goal of 3 miles in 18 minutes by September 10th. It started at a Klemmer's Champion Workshop. I volunteered to come up and share a goal I had. Then I was asked what meeting that goal would mean to me. He dug a little deeper and asked what would it mean to my family and friends.
Running has always been a part of my life: being the best runner in the 5th grade class; competing with and then becoming best friends with Lucas Brenaman who was the best runner in the 6th grade class; long morning runs in Jackson Hole, when I would pray for the whole 30-45 minute run; night time runs followed by deep, meaningful conversations with friends; other night time runs when I would try to outrun my high-flying emotions during difficult, searching times in college. Running has always been there.
After I graduated college, I started focusing more on other things - like surviving the post-college life, trying to pay off massive student loans, and chasing this lovely woman down who now is my wife. There were so many changes, most of them good, but I had lost the motivation to run.
I realized that night at the Klemmer workshop, how much running was a part of me and how lost and in part, undirected I felt because I was no longer who I was or who I really wanted to be. I want to be a runner - to the day I die.
Now if you've checked out the Klemmer workshop, you may come out thinking it's rather humanistic, in that "man must find his own purpose" sort of way, but that's not how I see it, nor do I believe they want you to see it. They are simply equipping people with new lenses to see the world and to look for our full potential in whatever our purpose may be. If your purpose is spreading the Love of Christ - they help you realize just how much more potential you really have to fulfill your purpose in huge (mountain-moving) ways.
You see, before, I thought spending time away from Kate to run was selfish. Or I thought, running should not be this big of priority in my life. God should be my first priority. Being the best I can be for God should be my first priority - working hard, not being lazy, doing His work to my fullest potential - and then some.
This goal has helped me realize how much God can give you strength in weakness. I'm constantly on the lookout for more experiences with God outside of reading the Bible, praying, and singing - not that those are important and/or critical to life. But actually working hand in hand with God, instead of reading stories of how God worked with others thousands of years ago, really changes your perspective on a lot of things.
I'm really excited. Kate, my younger brother Scott, and I (along with most, if not all, my coworkers at Classy Llama Studios) are going to a weekend seminar put on my Klemmer and Associates here in Springfield Missouri. I'm excited to see how God will begin to work in our lives once we start realizing how much more capable He is than we give Him credit.
I just noticed yesterday (thanks to Kurt) what some of you have been posting comments this whole time. Haha. So I went back through my previous posts and read them all. They were very encouraging and I'm happy for you all to join in on this journey.
Today's thought has more to do with real life than my running life, but lately they've been blending more and more together (total side note: running has so many metaphors to real life, it's ridiculous). Things have gotten financially tight for Kate and I this month. (It's funny - you always start to pray harder when life gets harder.) But at the end of my run, as I was doing my cool down walk around the block, listening to some music on Kate's iPod, the song "You are Mine" by Mute Math came on.
Here's the lyrics:
Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
That defines the meaning of their lives
You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine
There are objects of affection
That can mesmerize the soul
There is always one addiction
That just cannot be controlled
You are mine
You are mine
You are mine, oh mine
You are mine
Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized posession
They hold high their prized possession
Kate and I just talked about selling some of our "prized possessions" yesterday and about getting refocused on making a real effort to pay off our student loans. The conversation was a little stressful for me - Kate had her Dave Ramsey kick good and strong, and I was fighting it. But this song gave me a lot of peace this morning. I am His, I am God's child and these possessions don't matter. What matters most is that I am His possession.
So, Why this Ridiculous Goal?
Some of you probably don't know why I'm even trying to make this ridiculous goal of 3 miles in 18 minutes by September 10th. It started at a Klemmer's Champion Workshop. I volunteered to come up and share a goal I had. Then I was asked what meeting that goal would mean to me. He dug a little deeper and asked what would it mean to my family and friends.
Running has always been a part of my life: being the best runner in the 5th grade class; competing with and then becoming best friends with Lucas Brenaman who was the best runner in the 6th grade class; long morning runs in Jackson Hole, when I would pray for the whole 30-45 minute run; night time runs followed by deep, meaningful conversations with friends; other night time runs when I would try to outrun my high-flying emotions during difficult, searching times in college. Running has always been there.
After I graduated college, I started focusing more on other things - like surviving the post-college life, trying to pay off massive student loans, and chasing this lovely woman down who now is my wife. There were so many changes, most of them good, but I had lost the motivation to run.
I realized that night at the Klemmer workshop, how much running was a part of me and how lost and in part, undirected I felt because I was no longer who I was or who I really wanted to be. I want to be a runner - to the day I die.
Now if you've checked out the Klemmer workshop, you may come out thinking it's rather humanistic, in that "man must find his own purpose" sort of way, but that's not how I see it, nor do I believe they want you to see it. They are simply equipping people with new lenses to see the world and to look for our full potential in whatever our purpose may be. If your purpose is spreading the Love of Christ - they help you realize just how much more potential you really have to fulfill your purpose in huge (mountain-moving) ways.
You see, before, I thought spending time away from Kate to run was selfish. Or I thought, running should not be this big of priority in my life. God should be my first priority. Being the best I can be for God should be my first priority - working hard, not being lazy, doing His work to my fullest potential - and then some.
This goal has helped me realize how much God can give you strength in weakness. I'm constantly on the lookout for more experiences with God outside of reading the Bible, praying, and singing - not that those are important and/or critical to life. But actually working hand in hand with God, instead of reading stories of how God worked with others thousands of years ago, really changes your perspective on a lot of things.
I'm really excited. Kate, my younger brother Scott, and I (along with most, if not all, my coworkers at Classy Llama Studios) are going to a weekend seminar put on my Klemmer and Associates here in Springfield Missouri. I'm excited to see how God will begin to work in our lives once we start realizing how much more capable He is than we give Him credit.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Facing "Reality": 14 Days Remaining
This morning I wanted to run a mile and a half at 6 minute mile pace and then finish the next mile and a half in whatever time my legs could drag me there. My mile split was 6:16 and I hit 9 minutes with half a lap to go. I finished my mile and half at 9:57.
No, it's not horrible. Yes, I'm thankful to be able to even run a 9:57 mile and a half (which is much better than the over 8 minute mile pace I had just 15 days ago). And I could go on about how you shouldn't let failure slow you down, etc. etc. But I think that's just another one of my coping mechanisms: hiding my true feelings behind a positive teaching message.
So for the sake of being transparent and facing the realities of what's going on in my heart right now, here's how I really felt this morning:
FEELING 1:
I had all the confidence in the world yesterday to make that 1.5 miles in 9 minutes. The mile under 6 minutes a few days ago and yesterday's run really pumped me up, but it takes a little more than just hype to face reality. I tend to be a fairly positive person, and so last night, when I started to really look at what it would take to make the 1.5 miles in 9 minutes, I began to see some disparity between what I said I believed I could do and what my heart believed I could do when I began to really study the task at hand.
You see, it's easy to say you can do something without thinking about all the little details to get you there. It's much harder to keep the positive, confident mindset after you start studying "reality". Maybe I should study "reality" more closely, and sooner, to prepare my mind and body for the real task.
FEELING 2:
What if I can't run 3 miles in 18 minutes by September 10th?
What if I break the commitment I made to my coworkers to make this run?
What if I set the bar too high?
When I start asking Kate these pessimistic type questions, she always replies, "Well, what if? What would happen?" And then I respond with something like, "Well, I would be very happy with myself." She comes back at me with, "And then what?" I respond. "And then what?" she asks again. And we go through this little cycle until I realize, ok, it's not the end of the world. I have to remember, the world is not dependent on me making this one goal.
Maybe the world doesn't depend on me making this goal, but I can't give up. I can't stop trying. I can't let one day of doubt destroy weeks, months, years of my life -- and I think this is what happens to all of us all the time. We fall one too many times and we are tired of getting up again - so we sit, we settle. But we must have the hope of regaining our strength. When we are weak, God is strong. With the strength of those around us, supporting us, we can get up and keep going. We are not alone. You are not alone. Don't give up.
No, it's not horrible. Yes, I'm thankful to be able to even run a 9:57 mile and a half (which is much better than the over 8 minute mile pace I had just 15 days ago). And I could go on about how you shouldn't let failure slow you down, etc. etc. But I think that's just another one of my coping mechanisms: hiding my true feelings behind a positive teaching message.
So for the sake of being transparent and facing the realities of what's going on in my heart right now, here's how I really felt this morning:
FEELING 1:
I had all the confidence in the world yesterday to make that 1.5 miles in 9 minutes. The mile under 6 minutes a few days ago and yesterday's run really pumped me up, but it takes a little more than just hype to face reality. I tend to be a fairly positive person, and so last night, when I started to really look at what it would take to make the 1.5 miles in 9 minutes, I began to see some disparity between what I said I believed I could do and what my heart believed I could do when I began to really study the task at hand.
You see, it's easy to say you can do something without thinking about all the little details to get you there. It's much harder to keep the positive, confident mindset after you start studying "reality". Maybe I should study "reality" more closely, and sooner, to prepare my mind and body for the real task.
FEELING 2:
What if I can't run 3 miles in 18 minutes by September 10th?
What if I break the commitment I made to my coworkers to make this run?
What if I set the bar too high?
When I start asking Kate these pessimistic type questions, she always replies, "Well, what if? What would happen?" And then I respond with something like, "Well, I would be very happy with myself." She comes back at me with, "And then what?" I respond. "And then what?" she asks again. And we go through this little cycle until I realize, ok, it's not the end of the world. I have to remember, the world is not dependent on me making this one goal.
Maybe the world doesn't depend on me making this goal, but I can't give up. I can't stop trying. I can't let one day of doubt destroy weeks, months, years of my life -- and I think this is what happens to all of us all the time. We fall one too many times and we are tired of getting up again - so we sit, we settle. But we must have the hope of regaining our strength. When we are weak, God is strong. With the strength of those around us, supporting us, we can get up and keep going. We are not alone. You are not alone. Don't give up.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Accept Pain: 15 Days Remaining
This morning I did the same 3.5 mile run as a couple days ago. After checking google maps, I found out that it is actually between 3.6 and 3.7 miles. I used Kate's 2nd generation iPod Shuffle on the run and it definitely started me at a solid pace. (It was my first time to run with music - pretty fun as long as you look both ways at intersections...) So, I ran it in 27:43 - which I felt really good about. I want to hit just under 8 minute mile pace and that did it.
I really had to dig deep with about 5 minutes to go though. And running that sub-6 minute mile a couple days really helped me realize how fast I could run, so I cranked it up to 6 minute mile pace the last 3 minutes. But let me tell you, I was hurting. Halfway, I acquired that lovely pain in your side - the one when you don't breathe evenly or deeply enough.
IMPORTANT THOUGHTS:
Accepting Pain:
Needless to say, I made my goal for this morning, but not without pain. When I was 7 minutes from my final destination, I couldn't find the right song to bring me home, so I went all naturale and took out the headphones. I quickly realized that I there was no way I would make my time if I wanted to avoid pain. At this point I really need to embrace it.
As Americans, we really enjoy our comfort. To most of the world, what we think of as pain, is really just hard work. But to not confuse anyone, I'll keep using the word pain, mainly because it means more to us than the phrase, hard work. A little word of advice: If you want to accomplish any goal worth the effort, accept the fact that you will have pain - lots of it. Once you realize pain is inevitable, you must accept it and embrace it. And you'll get a lot further, much more quickly.
Pain is Easy When You're #1:
After realizing I don't do a good job at accepting pain, I looked back in my life to see if there was any place where I really dug deep for something. (Sadly, there really wasn't much - and I say sadly because I now see all the potential I could have accessed if I worked as hard on those past things as I'm working for this goal of 3 miles in under 18 minutes in 30 days.) One thing that did pop up was art.
I compare myself to those around me ALL the time and if I see myself as better than someone at something, then working hard to maintain that status doesn't hurt as much. In High School and College, I remember staying up to 2, 3, even 4 in the morning finishing an art project that was due the next day. But that pain didn't hurt much because my reward was great - having the best project in the class, being #1.
As I grew older, I began realizing that the world is a big place. I slowly came to the realization, there are a lot of people out there who are better at art than I am. So now, I really feel the "pain" in hard work and discipline when I pick up my sketchbook or pull out a canvas. That is the number one reason I've hardly done any art since college. I had an art class every year from age 5 to 22 - and now I'm afraid I'll have to go through too much "pain" because I'm not the "best in my class" anymore. It seems silly, but it's real. The same could be said for playing musical instruments in my life. Can you find anything in your life that you've set aside because you're not the best at it anymore?
Become the best person you can be without comparing yourself to others - and realize you'll need to embrace the pain to make it.
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I really had to dig deep with about 5 minutes to go though. And running that sub-6 minute mile a couple days really helped me realize how fast I could run, so I cranked it up to 6 minute mile pace the last 3 minutes. But let me tell you, I was hurting. Halfway, I acquired that lovely pain in your side - the one when you don't breathe evenly or deeply enough.
IMPORTANT THOUGHTS:
Accepting Pain:
Needless to say, I made my goal for this morning, but not without pain. When I was 7 minutes from my final destination, I couldn't find the right song to bring me home, so I went all naturale and took out the headphones. I quickly realized that I there was no way I would make my time if I wanted to avoid pain. At this point I really need to embrace it.
As Americans, we really enjoy our comfort. To most of the world, what we think of as pain, is really just hard work. But to not confuse anyone, I'll keep using the word pain, mainly because it means more to us than the phrase, hard work. A little word of advice: If you want to accomplish any goal worth the effort, accept the fact that you will have pain - lots of it. Once you realize pain is inevitable, you must accept it and embrace it. And you'll get a lot further, much more quickly.
Pain is Easy When You're #1:
After realizing I don't do a good job at accepting pain, I looked back in my life to see if there was any place where I really dug deep for something. (Sadly, there really wasn't much - and I say sadly because I now see all the potential I could have accessed if I worked as hard on those past things as I'm working for this goal of 3 miles in under 18 minutes in 30 days.) One thing that did pop up was art.
I compare myself to those around me ALL the time and if I see myself as better than someone at something, then working hard to maintain that status doesn't hurt as much. In High School and College, I remember staying up to 2, 3, even 4 in the morning finishing an art project that was due the next day. But that pain didn't hurt much because my reward was great - having the best project in the class, being #1.
As I grew older, I began realizing that the world is a big place. I slowly came to the realization, there are a lot of people out there who are better at art than I am. So now, I really feel the "pain" in hard work and discipline when I pick up my sketchbook or pull out a canvas. That is the number one reason I've hardly done any art since college. I had an art class every year from age 5 to 22 - and now I'm afraid I'll have to go through too much "pain" because I'm not the "best in my class" anymore. It seems silly, but it's real. The same could be said for playing musical instruments in my life. Can you find anything in your life that you've set aside because you're not the best at it anymore?
Become the best person you can be without comparing yourself to others - and realize you'll need to embrace the pain to make it.
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