8 Days Remaining

I didn't post last Tuesday, because I was ashamed.  It seems this commitment has locked itself deep within my being and the thought of not succeeding is gut-wrenching - literally - especially Tuesday morning.  I don't think I can fully express the pain of my run Tuesday.

I intended to run 3 miles in 21 minutes.  Half way, I was just off pace and slowing.  Literally screaming and grunting out loud (and I'm sure, making a fool of myself), my mind knew it was not going to convince my legs to move any faster.  Anger filled my heart - anger towards my mind, my legs, even anger towards God for "forsaking" me.

In my anger towards God, I was reminded of Job and David who kept their integrity and faith through their trials.  I realized how I can lose my integrity and faith sometimes in the midst great struggle, and how much I need forgiveness for losing faith.

Forgiving myself has always been hard because I've been so "well practiced" at doing good works - and I'm such a perfectionist that I subconsciously have a "saved by works" mentality. I realized Tuesday morning after my run, I knew a lot of the concept of Christ's sacrifice for my forgiveness, but I understood very little of His forgiveness in reality. I want to understand more.


Again, it's not the end of the world. I'm very thankful I can even run three miles. But breaking this small goal represented a lot more than one run.  It represented missing the goal next Friday.   And if I don't make the run next Friday, I have to forgive myself.  My lovely wife (I'm so thankful for her help and support on this journey) reminded me that being able to run 3 miles in 18 minutes doesn't define me, but striving for that goal whole-heartedly and doing my best to become a better man for myself, her, and others - that is what defines me.