This week, I've really want to not run. I woke this morning with the same attitude, maybe more so than previous mornings. "Why am I doing this?" I asked myself. "Why don't I want to run? Is it because I made that has-to-be-under-8-minute-mile-pace expectation?" As I was trying to wake up, these questions went through my head over and over and over again.
Finally, I got the guts to grab my watch and headphones and head out the door to start running. I was going for a sub 8 minute mile pace on my typical 3.5 mile loop. As I started, the questions didn't stop, "What am I running for?"
I ran halfway and then started walking. "What am I running for?" I asked again, determined to find an answer. I was giving myself a really hard time for walking, so I started again, trying to keep a good pace. And then I stopped and walked again. Angry with myself for quitting I wanted to walk the rest of the way home, but no.
I started picking out points of where I was going to start running (jogging really) and a point for how far I was going to run (usually about a half of a block most times). I kept reminding myself of the important fact:
It's not about how many times you stop/quit/fall, it's about how many times you start/begin again/get up.
WORTH:
Still, the unanswered question kept inquiring, "What are you running for?" As I've said before, at times I run for Kate; at times for God. This morning, I decided I would run for my kids, but I wasn't going to run for me.
I wasn't going to run for me.
I wasn't going to run... for me.
Why would I run for everyone else and not for myself? And I realized. I don't feel like I deserve success. I don't feel like I deserve to have wealth, be great, or become well-known. I deserve to stay mediocre, known by a select few. Maybe I deserve to be known within the reach of this blog, but not much further than that.
That's how I feel - I feel I don't deserve success. As I child of God, I feel like I have been given a gift of provision (I know God will not let me be beaten beyond repair. He will provide for my needs). But do I deserve the blessings of being His child. Am I saved by my works? Or am I saved by His love for me? Does He really love me enough that He would die for me?? Really?
Yes, He loves us.
2 comments:
this song is so powerful...oh how He loves us... we will never fully comprehend how much He really does loves us. That is what is amazing, that no matter how hard we try to push away His love, hide from it, deny it, or take it for granted, it is still there. His love is unconditional and EVERLASTING! oh.. how He love us...
I love you Kevin, I wish I knew how to love you like He loves you.
Man, I feel you. It is tough to love myself. I know I am lovely because my Father loves me. But my brain knowing that doesn't actually help me love myself. It's a real challenge, and it's better to be aware of the challenge than to be oblivious to it.
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