This morning I wanted to run a mile and a half at 6 minute mile pace and then finish the next mile and a half in whatever time my legs could drag me there. My mile split was 6:16 and I hit 9 minutes with half a lap to go. I finished my mile and half at 9:57.
No, it's not horrible. Yes, I'm thankful to be able to even run a 9:57 mile and a half (which is much better than the over 8 minute mile pace I had just 15 days ago). And I could go on about how you shouldn't let failure slow you down, etc. etc. But I think that's just another one of my coping mechanisms: hiding my true feelings behind a positive teaching message.
So for the sake of being transparent and facing the realities of what's going on in my heart right now, here's how I really felt this morning:
FEELING 1:
I had all the confidence in the world yesterday to make that 1.5 miles in 9 minutes. The mile under 6 minutes a few days ago and yesterday's run really pumped me up, but it takes a little more than just hype to face reality. I tend to be a fairly positive person, and so last night, when I started to really look at what it would take to make the 1.5 miles in 9 minutes, I began to see some disparity between what I said I believed I could do and what my heart believed I could do when I began to really study the task at hand.
You see, it's easy to say you can do something without thinking about all the little details to get you there. It's much harder to keep the positive, confident mindset after you start studying "reality". Maybe I should study "reality" more closely, and sooner, to prepare my mind and body for the real task.
FEELING 2:
What if I can't run 3 miles in 18 minutes by September 10th?
What if I break the commitment I made to my coworkers to make this run?
What if I set the bar too high?
When I start asking Kate these pessimistic type questions, she always replies, "Well, what if? What would happen?" And then I respond with something like, "Well, I would be very happy with myself." She comes back at me with, "And then what?" I respond. "And then what?" she asks again. And we go through this little cycle until I realize, ok, it's not the end of the world. I have to remember, the world is not dependent on me making this one goal.
Maybe the world doesn't depend on me making this goal, but I can't give up. I can't stop trying. I can't let one day of doubt destroy weeks, months, years of my life -- and I think this is what happens to all of us all the time. We fall one too many times and we are tired of getting up again - so we sit, we settle. But we must have the hope of regaining our strength. When we are weak, God is strong. With the strength of those around us, supporting us, we can get up and keep going. We are not alone. You are not alone. Don't give up.
Friday, August 27, 2010
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2 comments:
Thanks for sharing. You're an encouragement to me.
So now that you've come to realize that the world doesn't end if you fail to meet a commitment, stop thinking about it. Spend all of your effort, time, and focus on the doing what it takes to meet the commitment. Now that you've answered the "what if" questions, forget they exist.
When you make a commitment, there are no "what ifs." There is only where you are now and where you are committed to being in 14 days. Stop trying to cope with a failure that hasn't happened yet. You need that energy to succeed.
I appreciate your honesty about where you're at.
Envision all of your supporters embracing you in victory. You WILL be embraced upon the completion of that final three-mile run, no matter the outcome; whether it's an embrace of grieving or triumph is up to you. So envision a triumphant embrace. Envision the future you have committed to and make it happen!
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